Fun on the Inside
by Inibrius
Summary: *ABANDONED* Yet another Azkaban fic. How is Harry going to stay sane inside the joint? Rated T for language. No slash.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Seriously. Ask my wife.

This is my first fanfic…so be nice : )

**Chapter 1**

A pair of slate-grey eyes surveyed the light coming into the small window. These eyes were once bright and full of life. Now they just looked defeated.

The man in the cell sighed to himself. Tomorrow marked five years since he had been thrown into the hell that was Azkaban. Although, it could have been much worse. At least the dementors are gone. He couldn't help but grin with pride. 'I did that. I destroyed the dementors. I saved hundreds of lives that day. But let ONE person die..."

_Voldemort had sent his dementors into Diagon Alley. The bastard had even come to watch. I peeked out of Fortescue's Ice Cream shop to see the carnage. People were screaming and running for the 'safety' of the shops. Poor idiots. Walls won't stop a dementor. _

_I took a deep breath, and walked out into the middle of the street. Just in time to face the Dark Bastard himself. And to hear him chuckle...'a schoolboy is all that dares to face me?'. _

_Admittedly, it WAS my first attempt in spell creation. But what the hell, it was worth a try. 'Lumos Magnificus' I screamed. A shockwave of light energy erupted from my wand. Voldemort took the brunt of it...and he's down and out. I hold the wand up, and all the dementors within range are torn to shreds. I cancel the spell and look down at the most evil person in existence, just in time to see Lucius Malfoy and Bellatrix Lestrange running to help their fallen master. Two reductos later, and poor Lucius has fallen to pieces. Literally. Bella had enough time to notice who I was before I gave her brains a new exit from her head through judicious use of a muggle baseball bat I conjured. Wow did that feel good. But damn did that light spell take a lot out of me. I notice my friends running towards me, and tell them 'Take care of the dark bastard for me' before I pass out from magical exhaustion._

_I was ennervated to find myself in a rather familiar courtroom. The charge? Murder by complacency. Apparently Undersecretary Umbridge was in the midst of being kissed by a dementor when I cast the light spell. But since I didn't cast it fast enough, they're trying to blame me for her death. And of course since Scrimgeour needs a scapegoat, a life imprisonment in Azkaban is my fate. _

_At least I'm not alone..._

The guards in Azkaban can be persuaded to, shall we say, obtain a few things for the prisoners. I get my pack of smokes out from under the mattress, and head over to the hole in the wall separating me from the next cell.

"Hey Harry, gimme a light, would ya?"

A hand comes through the hole, a small tongue of flame coming from one finger. Nevile Longbottom lights his cigarette, and sits back, reminiscing on times past...and what the future may bring.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. I almost owned something one time, but alas, it wasn't meant to be.

**Chapter 2**

Harry Potter was bored.

Not a hard thing to believe, seeing as how he'd been sitting in the same cell for the last 5 years.

At least Neville was in the next cell...and after Harry had gotten a handle on the little bit of wandless magic he could do, they had a nice little hole between the two cells. Nothing big, this isn't _The Count of Monte Cristo_ after all, but enough that they could keep up a conversation and share a smoke to help the days pass.

"Hey Harry, gimme a light, would ya?" he heard through the wall. Always willing to oblige, he stuck his hand through the wall and cast a small fire charm...he always thought it made him look like ET or something, but hey, whatever works.

"Harry, do you realize that tomorrow it'll be five years that we've been in here? I tell you, I never thought that fighting for the light side like we did would screw us over like this." Harry just chuckled at that, same way he always did when Neville brought it up. "Yea Nev, I always knew that doing the right thing would come back to bite me in the ass." And boy did it...

_Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny ran through the carnage to where they saw a light, figuring it was Moody, or one of the other Order members helping the fight. Instead, they got the shock of their lives, when they saw NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM standing over the prone figure of the dark lord, swinging a muggle baseball bat at Bellatrix Lestrange's head, with Lucius Malfoy's dead body laying in the street in front of him. Ron had time to say 'what in the bloody hell' when Neville muttered 'take care of the dark bastard for me' before collapsing in the street. _

_Hermione quickly checked him out, with a verdict of 'magical exhaustion', as Harry stood looking at the body of the premiere dark lord of the era. He noticed that Voldemort was still breathing, so he summoned a sword and did what needed to be done. As he finished, he noticed a figure in Death Eater robes and mask running towards him. A quick swipe of the sword, and Percy Weasley's head went flying to lie next to his master's. Ron's screams of 'You son of a bitch, that was my brother! How could you?' ran through Harry's ears...than he felt something slam into his head and the next thing he knew he was in a holding cell at the Ministry. _

_The trial was a sham from the beginning. The Weasley family screamed for vengeance, Molly went as far as to bring the hand labelled 'Harry' from the Weasley clock and throw it at his feet in the courtroom. Harry's pleas of innocence went unnoticed. Harry's demands for a pensieve or veritaserum were ignored. And Harry's testimony was torn to pieces. According to the 'reliable eyewitnesses', Harry got to the scene, saw that Voldemort had already been defeated, and had gone into a berzerker frenzy, first mutilating Voldemort's already dead body, than swinging at anything within reach. Percy had jumped in front of Harry before he could kill Ginny and Hermione, and lost an arm, than his head, before Ron could act, bludgeoning him in the head with the bat that Neville had conjured. _

By the time that the authorities got to the scene, Percy was in regular street clothes, and his left arm (and subsequent dark mark) were removed by Harry's sword, and incendioed to oblivion. With no proof, and all the witnesses firmly against him, the court had no choice but to imprison him.

Harry took the offered cigarette, took a drag, and said 'You know, Nev, I think we need to do something special for our 5 year anniversary here.' Than something extremely rare occurred. Harry Potter started smiling.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Literally. I rent my underwear.

**Chapter 3**

As the sun went down outside Azkaban prison, the head house elf (going by the curious name of Bob) decided that today would be a good day to try out one of the new recipes that he learned while he was on sabbatical in Japan (where he went by the psudeonym of Bob-san, believing he'd blend in better that way). As he made bento boxes for the inmates, he realized that the regular utensils (specially conjured forks and knives that are charmed not to pierce human skin and dissolve 15 minutes after they are given to an inmate) would not be appropriate for this sort of meal. So he sent one of the newest acquisitions, an elf named Dobby, out to the usual shop in Diagon Alley to get chopsticks for the meal. Dobby, being heartbroken after the news of Harry Potter's 'betrayal', only partially followed instructions, and instead ended up in a Japanese market in Essex, where he bought 200 pairs of muggle chopsticks, made from hardened hickory. His mistake was not discovered for hours after the meal, in which the largest mass suicide in London's magical history occurred, as for the first time in Azkaban's history, inmates had the means to do themselves in.

In the midst of ensuing chaos, Harry and Neville sat quietly, listening and learning what they could about what was happening. Once they understood the fact that the chopsticks weren't going anywhere, Harry got the idea of splitting one of them in half, and pulling a hair out of his dreadlocks (hey, he hasn't had a haircut in five years, right?), he quickly laid the hair between the two halves, and a wandless Reparo later, voila! One wand...ish.

"Harry, what are you doing? That's not going to work, a wand core has to be from a magical creature" Neville quietly whispered through the hole.

"Nev, not to be insulting, but I thought you had gotten over your prejudices. We ARE magical creatures...just a different sort than a phoenix or a hippogiff. I honestly don't see any reason why this won't work, all a wand does is focus my magic, and since I've learned how to do a few things wandlessly anyway, this should do nothing more than augment what I already can do." Harry replied, trying to figure out which end will be the front.

"Easy for you to say," Neville replied grumpily, "you at least can do wandless magic. But what about that whole 'the wand chooses the user' thing that Ollivander did?"

"Do you remember third year, with the tri-wizard tournament?" Neville nodded. "Fleur's wand had one of her grandmother's hairs as the core. Granted, her grandmother was a Veela, but what would match the user's magical core better than part of his own body? As a matter of fact, if it doesn't work, I'll try putting a little of my blood on the hair, to see if that will work better. Back up from the wall a little, here goes nothing!"

With a flick, Harry had a fountain of wine shooting from the tip of his chopstick...er...wand. A swish and a flick later, and his bed was zooming around the room. A couple of tests, and Harry started to lose himself in the magic...and was only brought back by Neville's insistent "Harry? Harry? Are you OK?"

"Holy crap Nev, it works! I tell you, we ever get out of here, and I'm opening a wand shop!" Harry replied, the most excited he has been since he removed Voldie's head from his shoulders.

Neville, hearing how well Harry's experiment went, wasted no time splitting open one of his own chopsticks, twisting up a couple hairs, and sticking it all back together. Than he frowned.

"Harry, let me borrow your wand for a second? I can't do this wandlessly."

"I dunno Nev, why don't you just let me do it for you." Harry replied, not knowing how his chopstick…err…wand would react to somebody else using it.

"Harry, let's use some logic here. I can think of four possibilities. One, it works, I get my wand, we're all happy. Two, it just doesn't work, you fix my wand, I feel like a douchebag for a few minutes, Bob's your uncle, we're good. Three, your wand has some strange effect, it all goes tits up, we have two more chopsticks to play with. Or four, I blow us to kingdom come, we're dead, we don't care anyway. But I really feel I need to try this. Please?"

Harry passes the wand through the hole. "The pointy side is the front. Hold it by the side with the oriental lettering that probably means 'stupid British gits'.

Neville chuckles, and prepares himself for the first magic he's done in…oh you know.

"Reparo"

**bang**

As the smoke clears, Neville sheepishly looks through a 6'x6' hole in what used to be the two foot thick brick wall separating the two cells. "Bloody hell Harry, that was wicked! As soon as the chopstick and the hair went together, it was like when I got my first wand from Ollivander. I mean, it feels like it's twitching how much power is going through it, even when I just hold it. I wonder why nobody ever thought of this before."

"Because the entire wizarding community lives in 382BC, just like the sign on Ollivander's says. How efficient would electricity be if it was powered by magic? Or automobiles? I mean, have you ever tried using a pen and a pad of paper? Bloody brilliant. Or computers. Right now muggles have the ability to get on their computer, type something, and somebody on the other side of the world can see it instantaneously. Or they can write something on an electronic bulletin board, and hundreds of people all around the world can read it. Hell, before I came to Diagon Alley that day I caught Dudley wanking to pictures of some bird in the buff on his computer! And he had hundreds of them to choose from! Why are we so behind? Is it because the purebloods are so afraid of the muggles finding out that there is magic in the world? Or is it because the purebloods are afraid to find out that the muggles have done things WITHOUT magic that make us look insignificant?" By this point Harry's voice has raised to an indignant yell. "Bloody purebloods like Malfoy and Snape, and bloody halfbloods like the Dark Tosser Tom that PRETEND that their blood is so pure are the reason that this happens. What's worse, though, are people like Arthur Weasley, who's JOB it is to make sure that the bloody muggles don't find out about us! Well you know what? Piss on all of them. I'm going to make myself comfortable, and spend my time sitting right here in Azkaban. Fuck them all."

"Um, Harry, mate? I'm a pureblood, and you don't see me talking like that," Neville started sheepishly, "I'd love to see what you're talking about, but I just don't know enough about the muggle world to form an opinion. For instance, you can see women in their skivvies on those computer things? I thought those were just for writing letters?"

"Not just their skivvies, Nev, you can see them in their bare asses. You can watch them shagging. You can see whatever you bloody well want."

"And they can't see you back?" Neville had to make sure of that.

"Not a one. These are just like wizard pictures, but you don't have to take them. And that's the least of their technology." Harry was realizing that he shouldn't have mentioned porn. Or perhaps he should have…if it makes Neville Longbottom interested in the muggle world, maybe it will interest other people too.

"You know, Nev, I had a thought. Now that we have the ability to do magic, you want to, shall we say, raise the comfort level in our cell a bit? Maybe add a few more modern conveniences?"

"What did you have in mind, Harry?" Neville was a bit confused by the choice of words that Harry used.

"Well, I was thinking that maybe we should take a trip into the muggle world. See how they live. And bring back some new stuff to play with. Maybe our legacy is bringing the two worlds together." Harry just shrugged.

"Hold on, you mean leave and come back?" Neville was aghast. "Why? Once we're out, why not stay out?"

Harry got a devious look on his face. "It's not like anybody will bother us here. The guards look in the grate once a day, when they feed us, and a little illusion on the door will fix that. The guards haven't come into my room in months, they stick my smokes on the tray with dinner most of the time. Think about it like this. We can use Azkaban as a testing and training facility. Learn what we need to learn. Find out how muggle technology works, and find out how we can adapt it to the wizarding world. Look at women in the buff. It's brilliant. Or if you'd prefer, we can just escape, and be looking over our shoulders for the rest of our lives. It's your choice."

Neville thought about it for a minute, and than replied "Well, if you put it that way, let's start cleaning stuff up around here. Can't have it all dirty and dusty if we're going to be playing with ecletricity, right?"

Harry chuckled. "It's electricity, Nev. Tell you what, when we go to get the stuff we need, let me do the talking."

* * *

Hermione Granger-Finnegan lay in bed next to her husband Seamus, staring at the ceiling. Same thing she's done every night since that day. The day she condemned her best friend to hell. She wondered if this was the day that she would work up the nerve to tell somebody. Even her husband. And speaking of…

"Will you stop that? I already told you not tonight, I have a headache!"


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: Blahblahblah JKR owns all. I don't own crap.

And BTW - the editor sucks donkey balls. :P

* * *

**Chapter 4**

Harry and Neville spent the next few hours cleaning their respective cells. Harry discovered really quickly that his new chopstick...um...wand gave him a huge boost in power, as shown when, while casting scurgeify on a wall, there was a perfectly round hole where the spot he was trying to clean used to be. It took him a few tries to sort out the power levels, but after a few minutes he was wielding his new wand like he was born with it in his hand.

Neville was unfortunately not doing as good with his. Nev had always had wand issues. His father's wand had fit him like a glove on a moose. The reason everybody thought he was so worthless with spells his first few years was that it took him a lot more effort to get ANYTHING to happen. Once that was broken, and he was able to get his own wand, Ollivander didn't take that into account, and since every wand that WOULD have worked good with him exhibited too much power output, Ollivander paired him with a wand that acted like a nullifier. It staggers the mind thinking about the amount of power it took for Nev to cast the anti-dementor spell he did. But now, with a wand that is appropriately tuned to him, he couldn't help but overpower every spell he did. After about 30 minutes of trial and explosion, he realized that if he whispered the spells and used the smallest possible wand movements that he could gain some measure of control over his chopstick...um...wand.

Once Neville figured that out, he made quick work of cleaning and redecorating his cell. The end result was reminiscent of the Gryffindor common room, with red and gold drapes hanging from the canopy of his 4-poster bed, deep mahogany furniture, all in all when he surveyed the room it had a very proper English look to it. After a quick peek into the loo (which now has a vague resemblance to the prefect's bathroom, complete with an 8 foot wide tub) Neville headed over to Harry's cell. Where there was a hole between the two rooms there was now a nice large archway with a set of double curtains. When he entered Harry's cell...

"Bloody hell Harry! You should have told me if you were having problems with your transfigurations!" Neville exclaimed, pulling out his chopstick.

"What are you on about, you big prat? This is the height of sophistication right here." Harry replied, surveying the polka-dotted walls, the shag carpet, the round bed with the fringed fur bedspread, the mini-bar, and the little pedestal, complete with pole in the middle of the room. "This is one swinging room baby! Soon as I get some lava lamps and a disco ball, we'll be groovy!".

Neville took a deep breath, supressing the urge to hex his best friend of the past few years, before he heard Harry start to laugh.

"Nev, that was the funniest look I've ever seen. Did you really think I'd go for a shag shack like this?" Harry waved his chopstick...er...wand, and the room changed to look nearly identical to Neville's. "I was trying out the illusion spells I'm going to use in case the guards come in. Basically, they're a one-way illusion. If you come in from that door, you'll see the cell as it originally was. If you're already in the room when the spell is triggered, you'll see the illusion, but it's like an overlay over reality. Kinda confusing the first time you see it, but effective."

Neville blinked. "That's a wicked complicated piece of magic, Harry, where'd you come up with that?"

Harry grinned. "Do you remember the time we met Celestina Warbeck?"

Neville nodded, waving at his surroundings vaguely. "Yea, that was the night before...well, before this."

"Well, perhaps you noticed that I slipped off for a bit. See, I took advantage of the fact that I was rather well known to get myself backstage. Just on the off chance that I could tell her how much I appreciated her music. Well, I bumped into her, and one thing led to another, and she was giving me a 'private performance', if you know what I mean..."

Neville fell off the couch he was sitting on, he was laughing so hard. "You...and Celestina Warbeck..."

Harry's grin just got bigger as he recalled the story. "Yea. So anyway, somebody came walking into her dressing room, and everything got fuzzy for a second. I mean fuzzier than usual, since I was already not wearing my glasses...anyway, after we finished, she showed me that spell. It's a combination of a notice-me-not spell, an illusion spell, and a repulsion spell, makes the person that has walked into the room see what they expect to, and for them to look elsewhere for whatever they're looking for."

Neville thought through it a second. "Cool. You'll have to teach me that. One question tho. Isn't Ms. Warbeck like 90 years old?"

Harry looked up at the ceiling, which he had enchanted to look like stars. "You couldn't prove it by me, Nev. Just trust me on that."

* * *

A couple hours later, and the two wizards were preparing themselves to go out into the world.

Neville looked at Harry's hair and asked "Do you want to leave the dreadlocks, or should I trim it back for you?"

Harry's eyes got huge "Nev, you know I love you like a brother and all, but not in that way. Besides, we're about to go see women in the first time in five years. Why are you coming onto me like that now?"

Neville chuckled. "Harry, Lavender and Parvati taught me to cut hair while they were teaching me...other things. I'm straighter than my chopstick, I was just offering to help you with that seven pound monstrosity growing out of your head."

Harry started smacking his head into the wall. "Sorry Nev, I'm just a little anxious to get out. Yea, leave me with enough hair to give me a decent pony tail...and while you're at it, explain to me why they'd want you to help cut their hair."

Neville changed the tip of his chopstick...um...wand into a pair of scissors and started cutting. "Well, Harry, there's some hair that some ladies would prefer not to have another woman to help them with..."

Harry almost lost more than his hair when he started laughing at that.

* * *

"You know, Harry, I'm not all that great with a broom" Neville said, somewhat hesitantly.

"Don't worry about it, this will be as easy as walking, Nev" Harry replied, probably more confidently than he felt.

Neville just looked dubiously at the contraption that they had cobbled together...

* * *

As Harry was cleaning up after his haircut, he had an idea. He took half a dozen hairs, tied them to the end of his extra chopstick, cast an engorgio on the whole thing, and showed it to Neville.

"Take a look here Nev!" Harry said rather excitedly.

"What is that? You making a date?" Neville was a bit confused by Harry's new toy.

"No wanker, it's a broom! Or at least the beginnings of one!" Harry replied, casting spells on his new creation.

"Oh bloody hell. I was hoping we'd take a boat or something".

* * *

As they landed on the coast of London, Neville was finally getting the hang of flying, and starting to like it.

Harry, on the other hand, was starting to get nervous. How were they going to get money without being spotted by the Aurors? It wasn't like they could stroll into Gringotts without being noticed, could they?

* * *

As they strolled into Gringotts, wearing newly conjured muggle clothes, baseball caps, and sunglasses, the notice-me-not spell that Neville had cast successfully kept them from being noticed. They walked quietly up to an empty counter, and asked to be provided access to Harry's vault. A prick and a drop of blood later, and they strolled out of Gringotts, a big wad of muggle money in each pocket and a big sack of wizarding gold slung over Harry's shoulder.

* * *

Harry and Neville made their way out of Diagon Alley and into muggle London. A quick ride on the tube, and they ended up in front of a major department store.

"Remember Nev, don't gawk, and if you have a question, please ask me, not a salesperson. We don't need anybody asking us any awkward questions." Harry said quietly before they entered.

"Got it Harry. So, what are we getting?" Neville asked, excited to be seeing the muggle technology he's been hearing about.

"Whatever we want. Remember not to show too much cash...don't need any problems."

* * *

As they walked into the store, the first thing that they noticed is how little muggle women wear when it gets warm outside. Witches tend to keep themselves covered up, regardless of weather, but these muggles...

"Harry, did that woman forget her pants? She's just wearing a belt!" Neville said rather excitedly.

"Um...I think that's actually a skirt, as far as I can tell" Harry replied, trying to keep his tongue inside his mouth.

After a few minutes of unabashed staring, they shook their heads, and headed to their ultimate goal...the electronics department.


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: Possession is 9/10 of the law. Unfortunately I don't possess anything. Including HP etc.

* * *

Neville's POV 

As we walked into the electronics section of the store, I was amazed by the lights, the sounds, the colors, in short, everything that the muggles had created. It boggles the mind to imagine that they achieved all of this without the use of magic. I couldn't help but stop and stare at the woman talking to me from the other side of a window, mentioning something about the best toothpaste, whatever that is. When I tried to ask her about it, she dissappeared, and in her place was a man saying something about a potion that will help stop the spread of 'genital herpes'.

Catching up to Harry, I was amazed to hear him in discussion with a salesman in a different language. They were talking about DLP and HDTV and ram...were we buying a goat? After a half hour's discussion, Harry provided a little piece of plastic, and told the muggle that he would 'ring him up' to provide a delivery address. I swear these muggles don't speak the same language we do. At least Harry knew what he was talking about.

* * *

Harry's POV 

We walked into electronics, Neville almost took a header into a big projection TV as he was too busy watching a commercial for toothpaste to see where he was going. I shrugged, figuring he'd be less trouble if he was out of the way, and flagged down a salesman. After explaining to him our situation (we just moved to London, our old flat was destroyed in a fire, and we needed all new electronics) we got down to it. I picked up a plasma TV, a projector, a couple of laptops, PDA's...use your imagination. About halfway through our little spree I caught the snag in this little plan. "How are we going to get this stuff out of the store? Sure I can shrink it once we get out of here, but with all the security cameras around here that's an easy way to get caught if I try to do it here. Think Harry!"

Than it hit me. Just follow the story that I gave the guy.

"Excuse me, I just thought of a question. Do you deliver? I don't think all this will fit in my Mini" I said, trying to get a little humor into my voice.

"Yes, we offer free delivery" the salesperson replied with a chuckle.

"OK, than what I need to do is purchase a mobile to take with me, and I'll ring you up to arrange delivery" I told him, "We're closing on the flat today, I'm not 100 sure of the address, I'll give you a ring in a bit and give you the address."

As the salesperson led me over to the mobile display, Neville came from behind one of the displays and asked me "what was that about a flat?"

"I'll tell you when we get out of here. Just don't say anything." I replied.

A few minutes later, we walked out of the store, new pre-paid mobile in hand.

"Let's go buy a flat" I stated.

An hour later, and a large wad of cash later, Harry and Neville had a year lease pre-paid on a suitable studio overlooking the Thames. It was modestly furnished, and Harry had just placed calls to the gent at the electronics store to have them make delivery, to the cable company to get broadband installed, and to a local pizza delivery place for some lunch.

"So Harry, explain to me why we have a flat. I thought we were going back to Azkaban." Neville said, a little wary of the answer.

"Well, there are a couple of reasons. We can have deliveries and stuff sent here, so we don't have to go out in public very much. This place has power, and electric items will work here, so I wanted to use this as our base of operations to figure out how to make electronics work in a magic area. In case we have to disappear, we're already established with the landlord, so we wouldn't have to find a place while on the run. And probably the most important thing, I've never had a place I can refer to as home until now." Harry said wistfully.

* * *

Ron Weasley was having a REALLY crappy day. 

It started when he got to work, and found out that the Cannons were moving him from starting to reserve Keeper. He yelled at the coach, saying that he was a better keeper than his replacement, and ended up being suspended from the team for a month for insubordination.

He decided to stop at the bar and deal with his problems the old-fashioned way. He apparated home (nearly losing a foot in the process) three hours late to discover that this was the night that he was supposed to have dinner with his fiancée (Lavender Brown)'s parents. He threw up on her father's shoes, hit on her mom, and later that night, called her 'Hermione' at a...shall we say inopportune time.

He was currently lying on the couch, wondering to himself where it all went wrong, and what did he do to deserve what was happening to him.

* * *

Ginny Weasley had made up her mind. Again. She was going to go tomorrow and talk to Minister Scrimgeour, and tell him what really happened to Percy. The fact that he was her brother doesn't give her the right to ignore the fact that he was a Death Eater, and that Harry was doing nothing more than possibly SAVING their lives. And of course, the fact that Ron hacked off Percy's arm with a sword after he was already dead. 

Tomorrow. First thing tomorrow. Right after breakfast. I mean it this time.

* * *

Back in the flat… 

They had just taken delivery of the stuff, and Harry was getting frustrated.

"When do we get to see naked women?"

"Later Neville"

"Is it later yet?"

"Dammit Nev, I already told you, we have to wait til tomorrow to get the broadband installed. Until then we can't get to the web or to cable, and therefore porn."

"Muggle technology sucks."

"Do us a favor. Shut up for a minute and help me figure out these cables. Getting a TV with multiple inputs is great, but I'm having a problem seeing what goes where. Now on that paper, where does the red cable go?"

* * *

A/N: Yes, I suck. It's taken forever to get anything done on this story. Unfortunately, I'm lazy, so it happens. We can hope for more chapters pretty soon I believe. 


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: thanks for the reviews guys. It's amazing to me to see some of my favorite writers reviewing my writing.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but my sanity. And probably not even that.

* * *

**Chapter 6**

Later that evening, Harry and Neville arrived back at their 'pad', as they were now referring to their cells in Azkaban.

"Nev, are you sure there isn't anymore seaweed in my hair?"

"Yes, Harry, I'm sure. Do you want me to cast another cleaning spell on it, just in case?"

"No, I'm sure it's fine. The water was just a little slimy. Ugh" Harry shuddered, thinking about his unscheduled trip into the sea surrounding the island prison.

"Well, you know I DID tell you that it was a bad idea to smoke on your broom. I mean, human hair DOES burn pretty quickly, right?"

"Shut up Nev"

"Hey, at least I saved the chopstick, right?"

"Shut up Nev"

"You have to admit, it was rather funny, I mean, you flicked your cigarette over your shoulder, than poof, no more broom…"

"Shut up already Nev, you're pissing me off"

"I think the best part was when you tried to transfigure that piece of seaweed into a raft, and your teeth were chattering so hard that you turned it into a sea monster. How did you run across the water like that, anyway?"

"Silencio"

Neville was too busy laughing to even notice that he had been silenced.

* * *

The next morning, Ginny Weasley screwed up her courage, put on her best (and most conservative) dress, and headed to the Ministry of Magic, prepared to turn herself in and explain what really happened the day He-Who-Still-Must-Not-Be-Named-Even-Though-The-Bloody-Boy-Who-Lived-Lopped-Off-His-Head-With-A-Big-Bloody-Ginsu-Knife-And-Who's-Corpse-Was-Bloody-Incinerated-By-A-Bunch-Of-Bloody-Wizards was killed.

As she waited outside Minister Scrimgeour's door, she heard a bit of a commotion.

"What the bloody hell do you mean I screwed up? No legal precedent? Going to review all of my rulings? And looking at my personal life? I think not. I quit!"

And with that, Rufus Scrimgeour walked out of his former office. Noticing Ginny, he quickly walked over to her, handed her a small sack, and whispered in her ear "I'm sorry, Cinnamon, we're not going to have time for our 'session' today. I'm going on a trip, and don't know when I'll be back. Thanks for coming by though." He then rushed out of the building, never to be seen or heard from again. (Last anybody ever heard of him, he had ended up in the rainforests in Brazil, where he ended up getting swallowed by an Anaconda. And in doing so, justice, in its own way, was served).

In the meantime, a shocked Ginny Weasley looked inside the sack in her hands, to find a large amount of Galleons. She walked away in a daze, wondering to herself 'What just happened? And did he really recognize me?'

* * *

Needless to say, the wizarding world was in an uproar. The Daily Prophet ran a special edition: 'Minister quits! Possible scandal!' with special editorials about the links between the minister and certain high-profile cases in the courts, specifically the mishandling of the trials of Harry Potter and Neville Longbottom, as well as his links to prostitution, the manufacture and sale of certain narcotic potions, and his participation in that most vile underground sport known as 'house elf kombat'.

Curiously, the Quibbler, the Daily Prophet's main competitor, didn't mention anything of this on their front page. As a matter of fact, their front page contained nothing but three words.

"TOLD YOU SO"

* * *

Oblivious to the happenings of the day, Harry and Neville, after a little repair work (and a fireproofing spell or two) headed out to their flat.

"Neville, we really need to learn how to apparate. This flying thing gets old really quick."

"I thought you knew how already? I mean, my gran taught me when I was 14. Most kids know way before they have to test for it."

"You git. So why are we flying?"

"Um…I thought you liked to fly?"

"That's it, Nev, no naked women for you"

* * *

(thirty seconds later)

pop

"Now didn't that make more sense?"

"I guess Harry"

"HEY! WHO THE HELL ARE YOU GUYS?"

"_Stupify" "Stupify"_

"Harry?"

"Yea Nev"

"Did we end up in the wrong flat?"

"Looks like it Nev"

"Were these muggles shagging?"

"Looks like it Nev"

"Hadn't we better do something about them? I mean, they're eventually going to get un-stunned, right?"

"Yeah, probably. It looks like we're in the right building, at least. Head to our flat, I'll see what I can do to straighten this out."

Harry brought out his chopstick…er…wand, and muttered to himself under his breath "here goes nothing"

"_oblivate"_

* * *

As Harry ran out of the room, and the muggles were wondering how they stopped in the middle of their fun, a group of wizards from the Muggle Reversal Squad popped into the room, stunned the couple, and waved their wands around the room, trying to detect the rather unfocused magical signatures in the room of a really overpowered spell.

"Hey boss, there's nobody else around, and neither of these people are wizards."

"Well one of them is probably a squib. Sometimes it happens that during periods of extreme stress, they will give off a burst of magic like what we just detected. Just oblivate them and let's get out of here.

A few minutes later, the muggles woke up, dazed and believing that they just had a great time.

* * *

Harry walked into the flat laughing. Than his cell phone rang, it was the cable technician calling to tell them that he was downstairs. An hour later, the cable was working, the internet was flying…and Neville was confused.

"Harry, I thought you said we would see naked women on this"

"Nev, didn't you just see a naked woman, in the flesh, like 90 minutes ago?"

"Well yeah, but remember what Seamus's motto always was."

"Um…I never met a whiskey I didn't like?"

"Not that one"

"If it's not Irish it's crap?"

"Not that one either. Remember when he came back from that trip to America? Where he had gone to something called a bunny ranch? He kept repeating it."

"Oh, you mean 'You've seen one woman naked….you want to see the rest of them that way'? Good point, but irrelevant. You have to learn how to use the computer before you can see the naked birds. Now this is your mouse."

"Um Harry, that's not a mouse. They're smaller and fuzzy. That's a little black shiny thing."

Harry sighed. This was going to be a long afternoon.

* * *

Hermione Granger-Finnegan read the front page of the Prophet and nearly fainted. Her screaming brought her husband downstairs to see what was going on.

"Hermione, what's the matter?"

Without a word, she handed the paper to Seamus, and started sobbing.

"I as well as put him in there. I didn't mean to, I just couldn't believe what had happened. That's what it is. I was in shock."

"Hermione, what the hell are you talking about? You didn't have anything to do with this! The minister was corrupt, that's all this says…"

"Honey, it's more than that. You did see the part about Harry and Neville in there, right?"

"Yea, those bastards. I can't believe that there's a doubt about their guilt after all this time. They as well as admitted their crimes."

"See honey, that's the problem. Let me tell you what really happened that day, and the day of the trial."

Twenty minutes later, Seamus was sick to his stomach.

"So you're telling me that you hid the fact that Harry had killed a Death Eater and testified that Neville had told you that he was going to wait until after Umbridge was kissed to cast that spell, just because Scrimgeour had offered you Percy's job if you did?

"The minister knew what had happened. I told him everything. But they were just too much of a risk to the administration. Something had to be done."

"I don't believe it. Too much of a risk? Hermione, you threw your best friend's life into hell because somebody told you to? What the hell else did you do because that man told you to?"

Hermione mumbled something under her breath.

"WHAT DID YOU SAY?"

Very softly, Hermione said "I left Ron and seduced you. I needed a husband, and you were a safe option."

"Merlin. Tell me this is a joke. Tell me this is a sick twisted April Fool's joke."

"I'm sorry Seamus. I really am."

"Did you at least love me? Or was our whole marriage an act?"

"I….I…."

"That's all I needed to hear. Get out. Take your stuff, and get out of my house. For once, Malfoy was right. You are nothing but a filthy mudblood whore."

"But Seamus, I've grown to care about you" Hermione cried to him. "You're a wonderful man, and"

"Shut it. I've heard enough. You'll hear from my solicitors. Now get out."

As she walked out of the house, possessions shrunk and in her pockets, Seamus sat down and wept for what should have been….and what was to come. He started figuring out who he needed to contact to make people aware of what had really happened.

* * *

Lavender Brown walked into her kitchen, where Ron Weasley was nursing a cup of coffee.

"Ronald, we need to talk about what happened last night."

"If this is about your dad's shoes, I told him I'll replace them."

"No, this is about later. That wasn't the first time you've called me by HER name. What is it? Am I just a replacement after she dropped you to marry Seamus? Are you trying to get back at her? Dammit Ron, We're engaged to be married, and you've never even told me that you loved me. So what is it?"

"I….I…"

"That's what I thought. This is the last straw, mister! Get gone with you! I don't ever want to see you again!"

As he trudged out of their house, heading over to see his parents, Ron was starting to think that he had picked up some bad karma somewhere. But he, of course, had no idea why.

* * *

A couple of hours later, Neville was surfing the web like a pro. And of course, he'd found what he was looking for. He looked up as Harry walked back into the flat with some bags from the local hardware store.

"Harry, you've got to see this! I don't believe she can bend that way without removing her bones!"

"Yes, Nev. I know. Do you think you can put that down for a minute and help out here? I think I've figured out how to make it so that they'll work in the pad, but I need help with all the spells. "

Reluctantly, Neville put down his mouse (the one connected to the computer, you pervs) and came over to assist.

"From what I can tell, the problem is that most electronics work on AC, or alternating current. Most wards that are put up disrupt this coming from sources outside the wards. Things like Dean's CD player worked inside Hogwarts because it was powered by batteries, and those work on DC, or direct current power. What we need to do is figure out an easy way to produce DC power in such a way that it's providing AC power to our appliances. I think I've figured it out, using something called a generator. "

And out he pulls a 10kVA gas-powered generator. Once it was unshrunken and unpacked…

"I've already spelled it so that the gas and oil are never-ending and self cleaning. It will stay cool, and I put a permanent _evanesco_ spell on the exhaust. So don't get your bits near it. Ready to give this a try?"

And with that Harry hit the button to turn it on. And promptly cut it off, before casting a _silencio_ to counteract the foul noise emanating from it. A little more testing, and they've discovered that even with wards around it, it works just fine.

"That's enough for today Nev. Let's head back. And this time, let's do it WITHOUT the oops?"


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: Guys, I need your help. I'm curious if I am going to need to rerate this. There will be some 'unspecified sexual activities' in the next few chapters, do I need to change the rating to M, or is that just if I start perving out?

Disclaimer: I pwn. But I own nothing but the story.

Oh, and I have neglected to thank my beta reader (and wife) – thanks Leelee, I love ya!

And dammit, why the hell are the lines not working!

-(line goes here)-

Chapter 7

Harry woke up to an extremely disturbing site.

Neville.

Bouncing at the foot of Harry's bed.

In a pair of pajama bottoms.

And nothing else.

"What the hell is your problem, you wanker?" Harry yelled, pulling on his glasses.

"I want to get back to the flat. There's porn to look at!" Neville replied with a rather glazed look on his face.

"Fine Nev. Drop me off at the electronics store, and I'll meet you back at the flat at some point." Harry said, realizing that nothing he could say would dissuade Neville from his new addiction. "And do me a favor. Put a proximity ward on the door. I don't want to walk in at an 'inappropriate' time."

-(line goes here)-

Walking through the electronics store was like walking through a candy shop to Harry. Everything he saw he wanted. But keeping in mind that he really didn't need too much else (since he had bought half the store the last time he went there) he tried to keep it to the basics. Two more cell phones, a satellite dish (with unlimited TV and internet viewing prepaid for a year) and about 20 power strips.

Arranging for delivery later that day, he headed over to the flat (grumbling all the time something about 'why the hell didn't I ever learn how to drive a car) to find Neville having become much better acquainted with technology. He had 2 PC's going full bore downloading stuff, one laptop one each side of him, and the plasma TV hung on the wall in front of him playing a rather hardcore video.

"Merlin, Nev! What the hell is all this?"

"Well, I discovered how those little pieces of plastic work. You just type in the number, and they let you get movies. I was actually just talking to a woman in Sweden that said that for a couple quid she'd give me a private show. How amazing is that?"

"Dear lord," Harry thought to himself, "We really need to get Nev laid or something."

-(line goes here)-

After giving Neville one of the cell phones that he purchased (with an admonishment to wash his hands before touching it) and shrinking some of the stuff he wanted to start working with, Harry decided that it was about time to learn how to apparate solo. Doing the breathing exercises Professor Dumbledore had taught him, he visualized where he wanted to be, and…

**pop**

**splash**

Harry cursed the entire quarter mile he had to swim to get to the shore of Azkaban prison. Maybe thinking about how much he DIDN'T want to end up in the water was counterproductive. Or maybe it was because he had to pee. Whatever. Apparating sucks.

-(line goes here)-

Hermione Granger walked into the Hog's Head a divorced woman. She was still amazed how fast it had all gone. It seemed like yesterday…

Well, it WAS yesterday, actually. Apparently after their fight, Seamus had visited a solicitor, and smelling blood, the solicitor was able to fast-track the divorce paperwork. Seamus had decided to deliver it in person.

"_Oh Seamus, I knew you'd come to your senses!" Hermione gushed as her husband strode into the room she had rented the day before in the Leaky Cauldron. _

"_I sure did, Hermione" Seamus grated out, apparently oblivious to the fact that his wife had started to disrobe._

"_Come over here baby, I need you right now." Hermione said as her blouse floated to the floor._

"_Not anymore Hermione. Never again. I just wanted to bring you this in person, and not hide behind my cowardice like SOME people. Now I promise you that I told them as little as possible about your lies and your involvement in Harry and Neville's situation. But I swear to you, if you try to argue this divorce, tomorrow's headlines in both the Prophet and the Quibbler will be centered around you. Your choice." _

_Hermione had never heard such steel in her husband's voice. And as ashamed as she was to say it, it turned her on. But as she took some time and read the paperwork that he had handed her, she couldn't help but reflect on the fact that it was all her fault. Barely glancing at the paperwork (which she had to admit looked a lot fairer than had the situation be reversed) she signed it, barely feeling the bite of the blood quill as she did, and with a tear in her eye, gave it back to Seamus, all the while watching the marriage bond magically dissolve._

Hermione shook herself out of her thoughts as she saw a familiar pair of redheads sitting at the bar. She wiped off her tears and put on a rather fake smile.

"Good evening Ginny, Ron. How are you guys doing?"

-(line goes here)-

An hour or two later, Ginny had to leave to get to work. And privately, she was happy that she was leaving. Even though they shared a huge secret, she found herself questioning why she was ever friends with these two. Ron's continual "Life's not fair" comments, compounded with Hermione's analysis of what she could have done differently, translated into a rather boring, if angst-ridden time for her.

"Well," Ginny thought to herself with a smirk, "maybe they'll get drunk enough to go shag somewhere. Merlin knows they both need it. And then perhaps they'll be happy enough for two seconds to have the talk that we need to. Now should I wear the red or the green bodysuit for work tonight?"

Back in Azkaban, Harry was trying to set up his new satellite dish. Of course, it wasn't going so well.

"What the hell does it mean a southeastern line of sight? I have a damn CASTLE in the way!"

Cursing and grumbling, Harry came to the realization that he was going to need to head back to the store. So he moved on to his next project.

Setting up the wards on the doors were easy.

Attaching the wards to the cell phone to trigger the speed dial that calls his phone was a little more difficult, but still nothing hard.

The hard part was trying to figure out how to test it. A simple _alohomora_ didn't do anything to open the door. A _reducto_ bounced back at Harry and almost took off his head.

He finally figured out that even though the doors were warded, the bricks around them weren't. A couple of quick spells later, and he ended up with a rather serviceable 'door'.

And a minute later, his cell phone was ringing, alerting him that somebody was at the door.

"At least I got SOMETHING done today" Harry grumbled to himself. "I'll do some reading about my other problems when I get back to the flat. Now let's see if I can apparate back without killing myself."

**pop**

**thud**

"Oh, bugger!"

-(line goes here)-

"Oi Harry! Look at this!" Neville yelled to the bedroom that Harry had retreated to with his laptop to avoid the onslaught of porn occurring in the living room.

"What now Nev? I swear to you if there are farm animals on the screen again I'm gonna hex the crap out of you" Harry said rather testily.

"No, this is cool. Come see what I figured out!" Neville replied rather excitedly.

"If this is something disgusting, you're dead" Harry grumbled as he walked out of the room…then stopped in shock as he looked at what was showing on the screen.

"Um Nev, is that Parvati and Padma?"

"No, now it's Susan and Daphne. Remember that spell we learned to project pictures on a wall? Well it works with movies, too."

And with that, they spent the rest of the afternoon laughing at the 'situations' they put their schoolmates into. Hermione and Ron were Harry's favorite targets…the more degrading the better. Neville was a little more indiscriminate. Things were going great until…

"Dammit Neville. I already told you. Anybody but Ginny. Hermione, Ron, they screwed me over. Lavender, the Patil twins, that's just fun. Making Draco into a woman and Milicent into a guy, that was just good comedy. But Ginny…just don't. It still hurts too much."

"But Harry, she screwed you over just as much as Hermione and Ron, didn't she?"

"I don't believe that's the case, Nev. I saw her at my trial. She was crying, and I don't think it was because of Percy. Even with everything that happened, I still have hope that she may still feel something for me. So cut it out."

"OK. I gotcha. Hey, not to totally change the topic, but I was reading something about a place in London we may want to visit. It's called 'Magical Charms' and it's what they refer to as a bunny ranch. Basically we can go there and pick ourselves up a girl for the evening. What do you think?"

"Nev, that's the best idea I've heard lately. Do we need an appointment?"


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: Yea I suck. I know. Trying to have a real life gets in the way of my writing…I'll do what I can to get the next few chapters out as soon as I can.

Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter, I would be a. female, b. rich, c. British, and d. a parent. I am none of those. Therefore…

And I don't own City of Heroes, or anything else for that matter.

Chapter 8

"Harry, is it time to go yet?"

"Bloody hell Neville, I already told you. The portkey goes off at 4pm. It's only 10:30 in the morning. Will you bugger off already?"

"I meant to ask, how did you get them to send you the portkey?"

oOoOoOoOoOo

_Harry was pondering a question as he dialed his mobile. _

"_How did Neville ever get into Gryffindor? He's such a wimp when it comes to anything having to do with women." _

_The phone answered. _

"_Magical Charms. This is Candy."_

"_Hi Candy. My name is John, and a friend of mine and I are interested in visiting your establishment. Do you require reservations?"  
_

"_They are recommended. When would you like to schedule them for?"_

"_The soonest possible date. We're rather anxious to, shall we say sample your wares?"_

"_No problem sir, we have an opening to accommodate two people at 4 pm tomorrow. What package are you interested in? We have many different levels of service depending on the amount you're willing to spend."_

"_Money, my dear lady, is not a problem."_

"_In that case, how would you be paying?"_

"_I have a debit card with an unlimited limit. I would prefer to use that if possible"_

"_Does it have a major credit card logo on it?"_

"_Let me look. Bank of Gringotts logo…"_

"_Gringotts? Should have said so earlier sir. I believed you to be a muggle."_

_Harry was flummoxed for a moment. When they said magic they meant MAGIC?_

"_Sir? Are you still there?"_

"_Sorry about that. My mobile was cutting out for a second there. This is my first time calling, I'm a bit nervous here."_

"_No problem sir. Bear in mind that we provide full confidentiality to all our clients. As such, for a nominal fee we can provide a portkey that will allow you direct entrance through our wards right into our receiving room. We can also provide a charm that will obscure your features so that even the girl that is servicing you never knows who she's dealing with. We find this to be a valuable service to some of our more prolific clients."_

"_That sounds perfect. I'd like to get that for two. How do we arrange that?"_

"_To avoid you from having to provide us with your name, you would just need to send us an owl with a letter including your card number. There's a 25 galleon fee per person for this service, once we receive the letter, we charge you for the portkey and charms and send them back with your owl."_

_Harry got the rest of the info from Candy, and hung up the phone. He then began to pace. _

"_How the hell am I going to manage this? Merlin, I wish I knew what happened to Hedwig."_

_At that, there was a tap at the window of the flat. _

"_HEDWIG!"_

_oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO_

"So anyway, I'm not sure how, but Hedwig came back, took the letter, bit the CRAP out of my ear, and came back a half hour later with two necklaces. Supposedly, once we put these on, our faces will be fuzzy and the girls will not be able to figure out who we are. Now calm down and give me a hand here. I'm trying to figure out a couple things. First off, where the hell has Hedwig been? Second off, I'm trying to figure out a way to get a southeastern exposure on our satellite dish so we can get a signal in the cell. And thirdly, why am I so bad when it comes to apparating?"

"Well the first question is easy. Post owls always try to stay close to their masters, so they can deliver a letter whenever necessary. More than likely she couldn't find you while you were in Azkaban, so once she COULD find you she stayed close to your last residence in case you needed her. Once you asked where she was, she interpreted that as you needing her, and Bob's your uncle. Probably why your ear's all swollen, too. That owl has always been a little possessive when it comes to you. I remember back right after you and Ho Chang split up…"

"You mean Cho Chang"

"I said what I meant. By her seventh year she had worked through most the upperclassmen and was giving 'release massages' under the bleachers at the Quidditch field to second and third years for extra spending money. Anyway, once you and her split, Hedwig here took it upon herself to exact a bit of revenge. Anytime Cho walked out of the castle, this little birdie would give her a little 'present'. You never wondered why she was always wearing her hood up when she was outside?"

"Not really. Hedwig? You did that?" And with that Harry gave his owl a bit of a hug and another owl treat.

"Now for your other questions, let's talk about apparating. More than likely the problem is one of focus. You need to see yourself at the place. Not just seeing the place, but you need to see yourself there. And I don't mean you looking around at it. You need to see yourself there. Imagine City of Heroes. You remember, that game I was playing when my wrist got tired?"

"Dammit Nev, I didn't need to know that."

"Whatever. Remember how you were basically looking over the character's shoulder the entire time? Well you need to do that with yourself. And that's how you do it."

"Let me get this straight. I was buggering it all up because I was trying to imagine where I was LOOKING instead of where I was trying to be? Dammit to hell."

"That's pretty well it, mate. Now for the satellite question, I'll ask around online. I have no clue there. "

"Well, that's a start."

oOoOoOoOoOoOo

Ron Weasley was having a bad morning. Again.

He and Hermione had stayed at the pub until the wee hours of the night, reveling in each other's companionship in a way that only truly close friends ever can. Finally, one thing led to the next, and the two of them ended up in Hermione's hotel room. There was some frantic shedding of clothing, followed by…

"I'm sorry, Hermi, I really am. I must have really had too much to drink. That's never happened to me before."

"Oh Ron…"

oOoOoOoOo

As 4pm came around, Harry was becoming more and more anxious. But not for the reasons you would think.

"Neville, are we sure that this is a good idea? I mean, going to a magical place? We ARE the most widely known 'villains' of modern times, after all, right?"

"But didn't she say that the charms that they sent us would obscure our features to the point that nobody could tell who we are?"

"Yea, they did. I guess I'm just a bit nervous. All of our plans have worked pretty well, for me that usually means when it goes tits-up that it will more spectacularly than usual."

"Just keep your chopstick…er wand with you and nothing can happen."

"Good point. Ok, let's do this."

OOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

4pm came, and with that Harry and Neville left. The portkey was a little more disorientating than Harry was used to, although it could have been just that it's been more than five years since he's used one, but they walked into what could have been the reception area for any respectable doctor or dentist.

"Good afternoon, gentlemen. My name is Candy. Do you have an appointment?

"Hi Candy, we spoke on the phone. My name's John Thomas, this is Bob Thatcher, we have a 4pm appointment today. "

"Great, if you'll follow me, we can get started."

Harry and Neville followed her into a large room, where there were around 20 different women lounging around.

"Ladies, this is John Thomas and Bob Thatcher" Candy said, seemingly oblivious to why the girls (and Neville) were all snickering. "It's their first time here, and we want to impress them. Please line up on the stage and show them what we've got."

The girls lined up on the stage, and as they started posing a bit, Harry started cataloguing the girls. He noticed some people he knew, Alicia Spinnet, Daphne Greengrass, the Patil twins, and….

"Ginny?"

oOoOoOoOoOo

a/n: So why are the girls laughing? ;-)


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

a/n – Yes. John Thomas is funny. (for those of you that don't know, in Britain, that's a slang term for yer tallywhacker :) And no, I don't know when I'm going to update again. A pregnant wife and a move across the country will do that to ya.

No, I don't own anything. So stop asking for spare change.

* * *

Harry managed to catch himself before he blurted out Ginny's name, instead caught his composure and purposefully walked up and down the line of girls, completely ignoring the lovely Ms. Weasley. Neville had already decided that twins were the way to go, and was busily introducing himself to the Patils, so Harry decided to take the plunge, so to speak, so he gathered up all his Gryffindor courage and…

"Hello beautiful, my name's John."

"Hi, John, my name is Cinnamon. So do you like what you see?" Ginny replied automatically, thinking 'Oh, great. Another scumbag. Thinks he's God's gift. Well you wouldn't be PAYING for it if you were, now would you? At least it'll be quick."

Harry took a long appraising look at her, and said "I'm sorry. Should I talk to somebody else? You seem distracted."

Oh hell. Busted. "No! I mean, no, I'm not, I was just wondering why somebody with your obvious charms was visiting us here. I mean, you can probably get any girl you want anywhere, right?" That's right, lay it on thick.

Harry smirked. If she only knew… "Well, I've spent the last few years in relative seclusion, you know, my job and all, and I really don't have time to go out and look."

Ginny's eyes lit up. Maybe this was going to be more interesting than she thought. "Well than, let's go show you something."

* * *

Neville.

Twins.

Need I say more?

He'll be busy for a while. Probably not TOO long, but…

* * *

As they walked into Ginny's room, Harry was surprised to see that it looked almost identical to her room at the Burrow. Creatures of habit, these Weasleys. He noticed as he walked in that she was quickly rearranging a few things, including what looked like…

A picture of him. And her. Together.

Harry's heart stopped for a quick moment as he pieced together what he knew to go with what he THOUGHT he knew.

* * *

Ginny walked into her room and did a quick once over, realizing that she had left out some of the pictures and memories that she had been pondering over earlier. She quickly grabbed a couple of pictures of the old days, one of Neville, one of her graduating class from Hogwarts, and her favorite picture of all.

Her and Harry, back before everything happened.

"Very soon, my love, we will be back together." She whispered, seemingly to herself.

* * *

Harry could not believe his ears. Years in Azkaban gave him a little better than usual hearing, and he knew that she had not meant that for his ears.

She turned to him, and he melted at the wistful look she had on her face. All his careful planning went right out the window. "Screw it" he thought to himself, "What's the worst that could happen?"

"Let me ask you something. How are the silencing spells in this room?" Harry asked, putting enough of a smirk on his face to surprise Snape.

"Ooh, they're the best that money can buy, big boy. "Thinking about making me scream?" Ginny replied in her best sex kitten voice, thinking to herself 'keep dreaming'.

"Yea, I think I can come up with something to make you get a bit loud, Ginny" Harry replied…and took off his necklace.

"AIEEEEEEEE" thud

"Oh bugger."

* * *

After another failed bedroom session ("Oh, Ron!"), Ron and Hermione had spent the day getting to know each other again.

They had each beat their selves up the prior night about their prior relationships, and both had fallen into the realization that this is where they belonged, in the arms of the other.

Both of them had been skirting the issue of Harry for the majority of the day. But later that night…

"Ron, we need to talk about what we did to Harry." Hermione said with a bit of trepidation.

"What WE did to Harry? What are you talking about? What about what Harry did to us? He killed my brother, he tried to ruin my family, he was getting too close to my sis…um…I mean to going dark…"

"RONALD BILIUS WEASLEY! Are you telling me that this was all because Harry and Ginny were trying to get together?"

"No, well I mean the thought had crossed my mind, but…"

"Damn you Ron. You put your best friend into hell because you were worried about your sister's virtue? Well do you know what she does for a living now? SHE'S A WHORE. A Scarlet Woman. A harlot! She pleasures men for money. Do you think that she would have done that if you hadn't condemned the man that she loved?"

"We, um, we had to protect her. And this was the easiest way." Ron stammered out, surreptitiously pulling out his wand.

"Well Ron, you know what? Let's see how your family likes it when you're thrown in Azkaban for…" Hermione stopped mid-rant as Ron's _Stupefy_ dropped her to the ground.

"That's not going to happen, you stupid cow. _Avada Kedavra_"


	10. Chapter 10

I own a big TV and my computer. Nothing else. Specially not Harry Potter.

Chapter 10

* * *

Neville.

Twins.

Judicious use of energy potions and a non-standard use of an _Ennervate_ charm.

We won't be seeing them for a while.

* * *

Hermione looked up in surprise at her up until recent husband Seamus in surprise.

"wuh, wuh, wuh" Hermione couldn't catch a breath, and was laying there like a fish out of water gasping, but trying to ask the pertinent questions of the moment.

"You bloody cow. How could you let yourself get in this situation? I should have known I'd get stuck, like always, cleaning up your messes." Seamus mumbled, while bustling around the room knocking over furniture, damaging walls, and breaking a mirror that happened to see everything.

"You know I love you. I always have. So consider this my way of showing you. Now keep your head down for a minute."

Seamus summoned Ron's wand, and cast three quick _Avada Kedavra_'s with it out the window.

"Ok, now I need you to call the Aurors. Tell them that we were trying to reconcile, and that Ron burst into the room in a jealous rage and started trying to kill us. He stunned you and started trying to kill me. I had to kill him to save our lives. Do you have all of that?"

Hermione nodded mutely. Than asked "But than what about us?"

Seamus scowled. "There is no us. Not anymore."

"But how did you know to come here?"

Seamus chuckled. "You thought you were the smart one. You didn't notice that during our wedding ceremony that our wands started glowing for a minute? The minister cast a rather special spell on them…it's a modified monitoring charm and portkey. It lets me know if you're ever in danger, and will let me get to you immediately. You know, I almost ignored it today. You're lucky I didn't. Now hurry up and get the aurors. You have a statement to get two of my closest friends out of jail."

* * *

"_Enervate"_

"Ooh my head, Harry, you know better than to scare a girl like tha…HARRY?!?! What are you doing here?" Ginny yelled, backing up on the floor until she was leaning against the bedframe (and her spare wand)

"Well, if you mean at the ranch, I'm trying to get laid for the first time in years. If you mean in your bedroom, I was trying to do something I should have done a long time ago."

"What I mean is what are you doing out of Azkaban? Did you break out?"

"Well, kinda. We're technically just out for a stroll. We'll be heading back later…it's not too bad once you figure out how to spruce up the place."

"You keep saying we. Who is…ohmygod the twins! Who did you bring here? I need to warn.." Harry made his way across the room and silenced her with a finger across the lips.

"Gin, it's just Neville. What, you thought I'd bring some deranged psycho killer or a Malfoy or something?"

Ginny relaxed for a second. Than threw herself at him.

"Oh, my love, can you ever forgive me? Ron said he would kill me if I ever said anything, I was just so afraid…" Harry shut her up again, this time with a kiss.

"That's all I needed to hear."

* * *

For the sake of keeping a decent rating, I'll be skipping what happens next. Just acknowledge that:

There were more than a few tears shed on both sides.

Some clothing was damaged in the ensuing 'renewal of the relationship'.

A good time was had by all.

* * *

Elsewhere, on the front of a special edition of the Daily Prophet:

**HARRY POTTER INNOCENT?**

* * *

A/N: The next chapter's gonna be fun. All hell's gonna break loose. Watch for it soon. :) 


	11. Chapter 11

Well, I still don't own Harry Potter, Silence of the Lambs, or anything else I'm ripping off. I DO own a beautiful new baby girl, tho. Hooray procreation!

**Chapter 11**

* * *

As Ginny Weasley was cleaning herself up a bit after having a spectacular time, a post owl hooted at her window letting her know that she had received her _Daily Prophet_.

"Post is early today. Ah well, there's never anything interesting in the _Prophet_ anymore, it can wait for later" she thought as she went back to bed where her eternal love and soul partner was waiting for her.

If she only knew how wrong she was.

* * *

So time's almost up for Neville and the twins.

Ah well, it's an experience he'll never forget. I promise.

**

* * *

**

By Rita Skeeter

In a stunning turn of events, it has been released to the Prophet that the trials of both Harry Potter (boy-who-lived, destroyer of he-who-must-not-be-named et al) and Neville Longbottom were manufactured from start to finish by the office of ex-Minister of Magic Rufus Scrimgeour.

According to documents and a secret journal found after his recent and sudden departure from the Ministry, these trials were manufactured to 'make the wizarding world believe that the British government was not completely inept, requiring 2 17-year-old wizards to save their butts' (quote from Scrimgrour's personal jounal).

Harry Potter's capture and trial were a direct response to 'a threat beyond imagination' for the Minister. In his journal he details:

"Harry Potter. What the hell am I supposed to do about Harry bloody Potter? He killed Vol…Vol…oh hell you know who I'm talking about. Now this Percival Weasley issue could be helpful, the only people that know that he was a death eater are me, Potter, Longbottom, and that Ron Weasley fellow that I compelled to obligate the rest of his family. Can't have them remembering that I cut off the poor boy's arm, can we? Maybe I can use that…

Now the Longbottom trial will be interesting. I just have to prove that he had that anti-dementor spell ready and he waited til somebody important got hurt to cast it. Have to get Delores to check who died from Dementors that night."

Sources state that a full contingent of officials are heading to Azkaban to release these two heroes and give them the recognition they deserve.

* * *

Harry and Neville's cell phones went off at the same time….about the same time that Neville did.

"Sorry girls, I forgot about an important appointment I cannot miss. We'll have to do it again sometime."

And with that, Neville apparated back to the castle prison.

* * *

Harry was whispering sweet nothings into Ginny's ear when his phone rang. He grabbed it, noticed that it was calling from the room alarm phone, and turned to Ginny.

"OK love, I have to go. But before I do, I'm going to need to oblivate you, just until this whole mess gets resolved." Harry said in a hurry to go.

"I guess that's fine Harry, just hurry back my darling." Ginny responded.

"_OBLIVATE_"

* * *

Now before we go any further, we need to have a small discussion on the scientific properties of magic, and specifically of wands. There are a few physical requirements for a wand to work correctly. One of the major ones is that a person's wand needs to be clean and devoid of any particulate matter in order to work correctly. This is doubly important when we're discussing bodily fluids. Remember back in first year when Harry's wand was covered in troll bogies? Had he tried to cast a spell while it was in that condition, this chronicler postulates that there would probably have been an explosion of sorts. And using your chopstick as a marital aid? Yea, that's probably gonna leave a lot of work for the waitstaff.

Another is that friction can cause unreliable results. Rubbing your wand on your sleeve to get the handprints off of it is one thing, but somebody that spends 5 or 10 minutes polishing it (their wand, that is) will need to make sure that they don't use it much for the next day or so, just to let the core settle back down. And of course, something like using it like a marital aid? Not recommended. Just conjure up something.

Now one of the most important requirements is that you need to remember that your wand needs a clear path for the magic to flow from the wand core. This is why most wands have a handle on them. The handle acts as a dampener on the caster's side, so that spells only come out of the other side. In situations like in Harry's second year, when Lockhart tried to cast a spell on them, the exposed core at the break provided less resistance to magic than the sealed front of the wand, so the magic backfired. Now of course, the stronger the spell, the more unreliable the results.

* * *

When Harry cast his _oblivate_ spell, two things happened. Part of the spell came out of the front of his chopstick…um wand, and didn't remove her memories as much as fried her brain. She fell to the ground dead in moments.

The second thing that happened was that the other part of the spell backfired and hit Harry full in the face. Since he was concentrating on Ginny so much at the time he cast it, the _oblivate_ spell removed all trace of her from his memory.

So a few seconds later, he shook his head to clear the cobwebs, looked around, and quickly _apparated_ away, leaving in his wake a dead prostitute and a mystery surrounding her death that would never be solved.

* * *

Harry managed to get back to his cell, checked that Neville was there, and dispelled the first illusion to see Hermione Granger at his cell door.

"Hi Harry" Hermione started

"Hello Clarise" in a rather deep and resonating voice was Harry's reply.

Hermione started to sob. "Oh, Harry, Azkaban has driven you insane already, I knew that even without the dementors you'd go crazy, you don't even recognize your best friends…"

"First off Granger, I'm not insane. I was figuring a muggle like yourself would recognize one of the most well known prison lines in movie history." Harry outwardly fumed, while trying to hide the happiness he was getting from seeing the woman he was in love with. "Secondly, best friends? Any claim on that went away when you had me thrown in this hellhole. What do you have to say for yourself about that, huh? YOU knew the truth!"

"No Harry, I didn't! Scrimgeour had Ginny and I oblivated, we didn't remember anything of what REALLY happened!"

As Hermione said that, Harry had a tickle in his mind of 'Who's Ginny? Oh, it doesn't really matter. This is the woman I love here, right?" Apparently a screwed-up oblivation gives you some strange neural connections.

"And where does Ron stand in all this? Or his little sister, oh, what's her name."

Hermione blinked. He didn't remember Ginny, his one love, his darling? "Harry, you mean Ginny?"

"Ah, yea, her. The little bint. What's their part in it?" Harry said dismissively.

"What really happened was that right after you killed Percy, Minister Scrimgeour showed up, stunned everybody, chopped off Percy's arm with your sword, then paid Ron off to oblivate Ginny and I into believing that we had done it. It was apparently all a ploy to get you in jail so you didn't run for Minister." Hermione said with a grimace.

"Ok, I've had enough of this talking through the bars thing. Step into my parlor, as it were, my dear" Harry said, while throwing the door open with a flourish. "Neville, we've got company!"

* * *

A/N: Yep, all Weasleys must die. And yep, I suck for not updating in months. Well, having a new baby will do that to you. With any luck the late night feedings will keep my muse awake.

And to all those that complained, this is not a H/anybody story. May transmute into a H/everybody story, dunno yet.


End file.
